I am confused. I really am.

How am I supposed to behave with people?

How should I behave with a person from metros? How should I behave with people from villages or small towns? What will be important while talking to foreigners? How should I behave with relatives? How should my attitude be towards girls? What about my immediate family? What about close friends? Or people who are just acquaintances? How should I behave with complete strangers? Should I adapt my behaviour according to rich or poor? Boss or subordinate? Powerful & Powerless? Age?

Answers to some of these questions are obvious. But I still feel it is important to write them down. These questions always trouble me. As a kid I was also exposed to the different classes that exist in the world- the races, castes, nationalities & genders. However I was taught the concept of equality & the importance of treating everyone with equal respect. I embraced the equality concept as at that time it seemed simple, logical & appropriate. However over time the concept has evolved based on the kind of experiences I’ve had in my life. I have come to realize that people are essentially different. Everyone is unique. A person’s identity cannot be completely defined by his/her caste, gender, race or any such category. And I believe doing that is an insult to his/her individuality.

So how does one behave with people? I have identified six approaches that we could use:

1. The equality approach: This approach as its name suggests implies that we consciously behave similarly with different people. We do not adapt according to what we know of them. First we define a set of rules (acceptable & desired behaviour) we wish to follow. Then we behave accordingly with everybody. This approach doesn’t factor in the uniqueness people have. But at the same time this approach also does not differentiate based on any criteria. This approach follows the concept of equality in its true sense & is completely rigid about it.

2. The individualistic approach: The individualistic approach in total contrast to the equality approach completely factors all uniqueness a person has. It takes into account all minor details in the person’s personality. We behave completely based on the unique subtleties in the individual. This again is a very rigid approach.

3. The category approach: This is the very approach that evokes strong emotions from many quarters. This approach will involve stereotyping people according to their category like caste, gender etc. We behave based on predefined prejudices we have about a person.

4. The flexible approach: Having sampled three rigid approaches, we find out what is this flexible approach. Basically this approach will use any of the equality, individualistic & category approaches based on requirement. At any point of time we evaluate the options of using equality, individualistic or category approaches & based on requirement use the appropriate. We could also use a mix of these three approaches at any point of time.

5. The mindless approach: All the above approaches involved some thinking based on some rules. This approach differs from them in this very aspect. We don’t think, we feel. Our behaviour is then not governed by rules. Rather we behave based on what our heart says. Thus this approach is completely random in its nature.

6. Personal approach: In the personal approach you behave based on the level of intimacy or closeness we have with the person. This approach could be confused with the individualistic approach. In individualistic approach you behave according to how much you “know” about the person. In personal approach you behave according to how “important” is that person in your life.

The approaches are not mutually exclusive. We could be following more than one approach at a time.

The equality approach was what I used to naively believe in when I was a kid. The whole pointlessness of this approach would be obvious to most people. In spite of being pointless, this approach is idealistic. And being idealistic, one will get a sense of pride while following this approach. But yes the approach is not practical. You cannot possibly behave similarly with a person trying to kill you & your elder sister’s baby boy unless you are Mahatma Buddha.

The individualistic approach is another ideal which is difficult to follow. Considering all details about an individual for any small interaction again is not practical. Also it is not possible to get to know a person well before we start interacting with him/her on a regular basis.

In spite of me despising the category approach, it does serve some practical purpose. Knowing about a person’s nationality, gender & other background is a good start to get to know more about him/her. Stereotypes & predefined prejudices do have some role to play, though a person’s caste & to some extent religion are loosing any relevance in modern India.

The flexible approach is what is followed most of the times. This approach is a safe way of navigating the behavioural waters. We use whatever is apt for the moment. This approach could also be termed as the practical approach. I admit I’ve been following this approach most of the times. But I soon get sick of the artificial & opportunistic nature of such an approach.

The mindless approach could also be termed as the heart approach or the random approach. At times when I have got disillusioned with the flexible approach, I decided that I wouldn’t control my behaviour. In those times I used to get thoughts like “I will say whatever I feel” “I will not cloak my emotions/thoughts to suit others preferences”. In the process I end up ruffling many feathers. In that sense this is a pretty dangerous approach to follow.But the sense of freedom while following such an approach is good. This approach is also a lot less taxing on the brain as there are no rules to be followed.

I’m sure a majority of people would be following the personal approach other than certain saints & sages who have reached a level of consciousness where they are close to everything yet far from everything. And I am also sure that this approach would be used in combination with other approaches.

So what is the answer? Should I become the idealist? Should I become the practical guy? Should I not worry about all this & just follow what my heart says? Where does the answer lie?